Am I disappointed?
Yes.
Am I upset?
Yes.
Gohonzon (God), how many more blows do I have to go through? Blow after blow, I don't think I can take it anymore. Every challenge that I've taken on, I've put my best in all of it. Nothing seems to show. Was it my lack of confidence that made me lost all of this great once in a lifetime opportunity? Maybe. Is it my karma that this is happening? I really don't know. I'm a sceptic. I believe that I control the fate of my own destiny, my future lies in my very own hands. Not some past unfinished business or sins that made my reincarnated life this way.
This past two weeks have definitely been the worst two weeks of my entire life. So darn many let downs. I want to curse, I want to scream my heart out, I want to run off to an island where people only lead a simple life, I want to cry, I want to give up...
But somehow with a heavy heart, I couldn't.
Gohonzon, please let this be it. Stop playing games with me. Another blow, I'm afraid I'm gonna give all this up. I can't handle this. Filled with too much burden and sadness. This religion was suppose to help me find myself and see the great things there are for me out there but instead I'm losing myself. I'm losing who I really am.
I'm turning 18 in a few days. 18 was suppose to mark the time of ones life. It was suppose to be filled with fun and excitement. It was suppose to be my prime age. College was suppose to be what people doubt as the best days of your life. The people in my foundation are great with all the help that they have given me. It's truly hard to come across people like them nowadays. But in the process, I feel like a lost kid wandering around searching for a place like home. I've not found that secured place. Have I made the wrong choice in my life? I wish I have not but I'm beginning to feel like I am. However, for me turning 18 is pure agony. I don't want to have to cry myself to sleep.
We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do.
- Evelyn Underhill
0 comments:
Post a Comment